Unsaid Things
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Everyone is moving on and getting on with their lives, everyone except Ste and Brendan that is. Later on that night they bump into eachother at Chez Chez, but what will happen? you'll have to read it to find out!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

**Ste's point of view**

Everyone seems to be moving on with their lives, new beginnings, and new chapters; but for me, things are still the same. It's been over two months since I was fired from ChezChez and I still haven't found a job. I tried going into business with Doug but things didn't work out, when do they ever for me? I've applied for jobs, lots of them infact, but I never even get an interview; must be something wrong with me. I never thought that Brendan would fire me; we went through so much together I thought he'd always want me around but even where he is concerned, I'm wrong. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I occasionally bump into him. He looks right through me as if I'm not even there, which I hate to admit hurts me still so much. He smacked me around and yet I still love him, although I would never tell him, I mean; he doesn't need to know, does he? Why does he treat me like I don't exist? He is moving on I suppose, just like everyone else. I was stupid to think that we ever stood a chance, he told me he loved me; and I really believed him but then he hit me again and again, he used me, used me like he always did. Terry used to say there was something wrong with me; now I believed that more than ever.

**Brendan's point of view**

Everything seems to be going great Life is good. Chez and I are getting on better than ever, the club is going well. I've even got Scottish Foxy wrapped around my little finger, trying to mould him into a mini me; I have my uses for the lad. Life is back to normal….at least, nearly back to normal. Something is missing, or should I say someone? That boy I adore the one with the dirty blonde hair, beautiful eyes that almost look into my soul, and that body of his…Stephen, mmmmm, Stephen, I almost forgot. How could I go to him? Ask him to come back to work? I see him struggling to get a job, I want to help; but I can't, after all, I did this to him. I see that desperate look in his eyes but I ignore it, I see how hurt he is. I still watch him sometimes, when we occasionally bump into eachother or if I see him in the club with Amy and Michaela. I can almost feel him close to me when I watch him, but its only memories of what we used to be, whatever that was. I miss his touch, the way he would chat away about nothing, I miss him; but I could never tell him, he's moved on with his life just like I have, its better this way…isn't it?

**Ste's point of view **

Friday night and I'm at home, bored, nowhere to go and no one to spend it with. Amy was having a girly night in with Michaela; usually I would have joined in but tonight I was feeling so alone, god I hate that feeling, even when I'm in a room full of people, I still feel alone. After a while I decided to go for a drink, so I headed down to the dog. Doug and his mates were there, so I ended up sitting with them. A few beers and shots later I started to feel a bit tipsy. "Let's all go to ChezChez" Doug slurred; I could feel my heart in my throat "Yeah sounds great" I found myself saying. We finished our drinks and headed over to ChezChez. It didn't matter how I felt about Brendan on the inside because he will never know, I've ignored my feelings a thousand times, so why should this be any different? We entered the club, everyone seems to be having a good time, but for me I was still unsure, maybe even scared to be around him whilst I was feeling so low, then I heard his voice, I couldn't see him, but I could feel him, smell him, fear him. Before he even spoke a word, I knew he was stood behind me. I turned around to face him; my heart was beating out of my chest, then he spoke with that voice, that gorgeous voice "Hello, Stephen."

**Brendan's point of view **

Another whisky Rhys? that must have been my fifth drink already; I think I'd better calm down! There's usually quite a bit of trouble Friday nights and I don't want to be wasted. The club was heaving; Rhys and Ash were working behind the bar whilst Joel was DJ-ing, things were running smooth so far. Chez had a night off, some date with a guy she met at college, he'd better not mess her around. I felt agitated, my mind kept wondering to thoughts of Stephen, lovely Stephen. Remembering times we spent together, good times, times when he looked at me with love and adoration, the best times. I knew he would never look at me that way again. I went back to the office and downed my whisky. Pull yourself together! I thought. I opened the office door to see him standing at the bar. I made my way over, calm and cool but inside, my whole being was aching for him. Standing right behind him, I could almost taste him, he was so close and god he smelt so good, I'd forgotten how good he smelt. He turned around "Hello, Stephen." I said.

_**Hello everyone, ruthyroo here; this is my first ever fanfiction so let me know if you want more!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

**Ste's point of view**

Brendan. That was all I could say. I mean what does he expect? Does he want me to talk to him now? After all this time? Months of being ignored. I couldn't talk to him even If I wanted to; I just don't trust myself around him. I watched him walk back to the office, obviously not impressed by my lack of conversation, I started to feel like I should go, like I shouldn't be here; but Doug convinced me to stay, he bought me another beer and even promised to dance with me, so maybe a little longer wouldn't hurt. Sure enough a few drinks later I didn't even care that I was in Brendan's club anymore, I was even beginning to enjoy myself; it seemed so long ago that i actually had enjoyed myself so I decided to make the most of it! I could feel him watching me, and I was right. I looked over towards the office and there he was leant on the doorframe, head tilted in that sexy way and I was certain that all I could see was passion in his eyes but then again, maybe I'd had too much to drink. My eyes met his and I never looked away, I held his stare. I couldn't believe I was feeling like this again, lusting him, wanting him, needing him and yes, loving him. Next thing I knew, he was walking over towards me. "Can I see you in my office? please." was all he said before he walked back, leaving the door open for me to follow.

**Brendan's point of view**

Brendan? Was that all he could say? God, he gets right under my skin, he couldn't even say hello. That boy frustrates me so much, he treated me like I was nothing; he looked at me but there was no love in his eyes, his smile faded by my presence – is this what I have done to him? I've taken away the things that I love about him….loved about him. His eyes that once shone for me, his smile that couldn't get any bigger every time he looked at me, that was all gone now. I found myself storming off back the office, another few whiskeys wouldn't hurt. I was angry and needed to calm down, forget about it, forget about him and the power he still has over me. I couldn't really blame him I treated him badly, hit him, hurt him, destroyed his life; but I do love him, I do. It wasn't long before I found myself watching him, how could I not? Even when I knew he'd moved on, he still looked beautiful to me, I wanted every part of him. I couldn't believe it when he looked back, his eyes locked with mine. It felt like we were the only ones in the club. The look, the feelings I tried so hard to ignore all came flooding back, it was all there, I could feel it and I know he felt it too. What to do? Now that was the question, I couldn't go over and order him to get in the office, I had no control over him anymore. I walked over to him and simply asked him "Can I see you in my office? Please." I didn't wait for a reaction, I just headed back leaving the door open, in hope that he wouldn't say no, hoping that he would follow behind.

**Ste's point of view**

I don't know what I was thinking, maybe I wasn't thinking at all; but I followed him, how could I not? I had questions that needed answering and yes, that was the only reason, at least that's what I told myself. I shut the door behind me; it was Brendan that finally broke the silence. "How have you been?" he asked me, of course I lied and said "never better, ta – you?" "Oh you know me Stephen" he replied then silence again. "So Brendan, what did you want?" I said. I was starting to feel on edge, I needed to leave. He must have sensed this because the next thing he was stood infront of me, his hand touching my face; I closed my eyes at his touch. I felt his lips against mine, the kiss was full and passionate, it felt like coming home – like we fitted, like we were meant for eachother. It all happened so fast, our clothes were flying off; we were touching, kissing, and feeling every part of eachother. God he felt so good, he always was the best lover I had ever had. He knew me, knew what I liked and I loved that about him. The sex was great; everything about it! But after I just felt like I'd given into him….again. He always looked so smug when I went back to him, and his look was no different this time . I picked my clothes up off the floor and started getting dressed again. I could see from his expression that he was confused, but I didn't care, I needed to get out. "You going?" he said, so I turned to him and all I could say was "Yeah" closing the door on my way out with those familiar tears in my eyes.

**Brendan's point of view**

He came, he was here again, standing infront of me- was it really this easy? Oh he was making this so easy for me. I knew he was mine, I knew he'd let me kiss him, I just knew it. Once the door was shut I knew that I would have to break the silence, so I asked him how he was, mostly small talk really. Although I was feeling confident about taking him, I was still slightly nervous in case he rejected me. I couldn't wait anymore, i was standing infront of him, touching his face; he closed his eyes at my very touch, He still wanted me, I could tell. I kissed him; it felt so right, full of want, full of passion and full of desire. He always was a horny little bugger. Our clothes were everywhere, I took him once more, and he was mine once again. He fits perfect with me in every single way, he needed me, but mostly I needed him. The sex was no doubt in my mind the best sex I had ever had, he was it for me, beautiful in every way; but afterwards he was so distant and different to how he had ever been before. He started to put his clothes back on, I couldn't believe it; it was usually me telling him to go- but this time it was him. I asked him if he was going "yeah" was his reply, before he left and shut the door. I can't believe what had just happened, I didn't want him to leave, and I'd only just got him back again. Maybe it wasn't so easy after all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**Ste's point of view**

What had I just done? I can't believe I let him do this to me again, I ran home as fast as I could; I thought he might have followed me, but he never. I did look round a few times, but he wasn't there, I mean – was I hoping he was? Did I want him to follow me? Amy and Michaela didn't even notice me come in and go straight to my room, which, to be honest, I was glad about. I knew that Amy would ask me twenty questions as to why I was upset, and I just didn't need that right now. I laid on my bed thinking of him it, was always him. Why was I so quick to sleep with him? I know I love him, I know how I feel, even if I do deny it to everyone else; I can't lie to myself anymore. But to move on properly I know that I have to let him go and not keep jumping into bed with him, no matter how good it felt, no matter how alive I feel when I'm with him. He has hurt me and let me down so much, I can't go through it again, I just can't. I don't want to be here anymore, he will always take me when he wants me, and I will always let him; he knows that, I know that. Sometimes I wish I had of left with Noah, okay he cheated on me, but I cheated on him didn't I, but at least I would be free of him, free of that moustached man who drives me crazy, who I love so much but hate equally. He will never change, not ever. Okay so he admitted to being gay, so what? That doesn't mean anything. I can't see us holding hands like a proper couple; he never gave me that before – so why would he give it to me now? I know what I've got to do, I've got to move on, get away from here, get away from him; start a new life, a new chapter. Right so that's it then I will speak to Amy tomorrow, I know she won't understand and I will miss the kids so much, but this is the only way, isn't it? Still lying on my bed I close my eyes trying to escape my thoughts, but here he is, again; heavily on my mind, just like he is every single time.

**Brendan's point of view**

Did he really just walk away? Does he expect me to go after him? Well I'm not, I'm Brendan Brady! He'll be back, he always comes back. As I sit here alone, all I could think about was him and all these feelings I felt, I should tell him but I can't, that would make me weak, and I'm not weak. I mean, where would I even begin? Sorry for hitting you all those times? Sorry for denying you a proper relationship? Sorry for ruining your life? No, some things are better left unsaid. It was easier this way, I had all the power, I had all the control, I could take him any time I wanted him. I knew it, he knew it. I returned to the bar to help Rhys and Ash clean down. It had been a busy night for them, and I was no use; Stephen was the only thing on my mind tonight. I couldn't help but remember the times when Stephen and I had closed up together, why did I fire him? I'm so proud at times, so stubborn, he could read me, he knew me; and at that point, I thought I didn't need him, but I did, I have always needed him. I locked up the club and decided to go to his flat, not to go and knock on the door but just to see if I could get a glimpse of him, but when I got there all the lights were off, everyone must have been asleep. I felt happier from just being outside his flat, so many memories – some good, some bad. I finally get home to an empty flat, Chez must be having a good date, seeing as she wasn't even home. I thought about texting him and inviting him round, I even got so far as writing it:

"_Fancy round two? BB"_

But thought better of it, and deleted it. So here I lay in my empty bed, visions of my beautiful Stephen and what we had done in my office, in my head. My cock became hard as the visions of me thrusting into him suddenly seemed very real, I could almost feel him here with me, and I imagined he was and that we were on round two. I moaned his name as I bought myself to a climax. What has this boy done to me? I need to tell him, I need him to understand that he belongs to me.

**Ste's point of view **

I woke up early, everyone else was still in bed, which I'm glad about, as it might just make this easier to do. My head is heavy, all over the place; and I've decided to take the coward's way out and leave a note to Amy explaining that I have to leave, it read:

"_Amy_

_Going away for a bit_

_Will call soon_

_Ste xxx"_

I couldn't write much more, I mean writing never was my strong point was it. I didn't know where I was going to go, I didn't know anything; but I knew I had to get away. I packed a bag with a few things I just took what I needed really, I wanted to travel light. I took £30 out from our savings jar, I could always send Amy some money when I got a job, couldn't I. I quietly crept into Leah and Lucas' bedroom and kissed them both goodbye, trying not to wake them. I placed the note on the table where I knew Amy would see it. I felt horrible not talking to her, but I couldn't; I knew she would talk me out of it – and I needed this, I needed this fresh start. I opened the door to leave, tears streaming down my face. I walked through the village, it was so quiet, hardly anyone around; it was nice like this. I find myself standing infront of ChezChez, not really sure why, for memories? For some closure? Who knows? I closed my eyes seeing happier times when I worked there side by side with Brendan; life seemed so good back then, at least better than it is now. The thought of not seeing him again makes my heart ache, but I know I have to do this, even if it's just for a few months; so I can gain control of my feelings. I know I'm running away but I don't know what else to do; I'm so weak when it comes to him. I walk over to the bus stop; I didn't want to go too far, just far enough so he couldn't find me. I'll just get on the bus and see where it takes me. The bus was empty, and I sat right at the back. I looked out of the window mouthing the words "goodbye Brendan" as the bus started to pull away.

**Brendan's point of view**

I awoke feeling happy, today was the day I was going to get him back. I knew what I'd have to do, I knew I'd have to go to him, but I didn't care; whatever it takes to make him understand that he is mine and I am his. Our relationship would never be normal, it would never be hearts and flowers but as long as we were together we could figure the rest out later, couldn't we. I knew he couldn't resist me. I put on my best suit and red shirt, the same red shirt from the first time I kissed him. I looked in the mirror to do my hair and smooth down my tash, looking good! I thought to myself. I grabbed my keys and headed out the door making my way over to Stephens flat. I knocked on the door expecting him to answer, I felt anxious when Amy answered the door with tears running down her face.

"_What do you want Brendan" She said._

"_I was looking for Stephen"_

She interrupted me

"_He's gone"_

"_What do you mean Amy? Gone?"_

"_I mean gone Brendan"_

She showed me the note, I tried hard to keep my emotions inside but I felt like I was going to explode

"_I don't understand but why?"_ I said to her

She snatched the note out of my hands and slammed the door in my face. I couldn't believe it. He's left, was this because of what happened? I have damaged him even more, but I thought it was okay, I thought he was just making me sweat. He feels so desperate to get away from me that he's left the only security he's ever known: Amy and the kids. Now the kids are without a dad and it's all my fault. I don't even know where he's gone or if he's coming back, but it will be okay because like I've said before; he always comes back to me, why would this time be any different? What was I thinking, I let my guard down; I was about to tell him how I really felt, I won't make that mistake again. He obviously doesn't want me, if he did he wouldn't have run away would he? It's better not to show emotion to anyone. Love makes you weak, and I won't ever be weak again, I might even find myself another Stephen to play with. It doesn't matter; I was stupid to think it would work, stupid to show my softer side, I won't do it again, not for him, not for anyone. Brendan Brady doesn't do love, emotions and feelings; I control and manipulate. That's the way I've always been until I met him, until Stephen.

_**please leave a review your comments are appreciated :) xxx**_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

**Ste's point of view**

_Two weeks later_

I hadn't called Amy and the kids, and it had been two weeks since I left them; I promised I would call but how could I? What would I tell her, I had no good news, and I had become someone I didn't even recognise anymore, how could I lie? She would hear the sadness in my voice, she was my bestfriend; she knew me only too well. What was I doing here? What had I become?

_Two weeks before_

I got off the bus and arrived in Liverpool, I was scared, I barley had any money; so looking for a job was the first thing I needed to do. I don't know why I chose Liverpool but it's not too far away and I heard the nightlife was amazing! So getting a job in a bar should be no trouble, at least that's what I thought. I headed to concert square, the bars and clubs were busiest here. I'd been job hunting from the minute I got here and had no luck whatsoever. It was getting late, my feet were hurting; I didn't even know where I was going to stay, maybe I should just go back home, what was I thinking? The next bar I went into was called walkabout, I went to the bar and asked if they had any jobs going but had the same response as all the others. I ordered half a pint of larger and a packet of crisps and sat down deciding my next move. I noticed this guy at the bar, he must have been in his late twenties, dark hair and dark eyes; quite cute really, I noticed him because he kept looking at me, it wasn't long before he came over

"Mind if I join you?" he said

"No that's fine I replied"

"My name's Joe by the way"

"Hi, I'm Ste"

"So what brings you here then, asked Joe?"

"A new start I quickly replied"

"I heard you were asking for a job, no luck finding one then said Joe?"

"No, mind you it's only been a day; but I need to find one quickly as I have hardly any money and nowhere to stay I replied"

"I have a flat around here, you could always crash at mine just till you get yourself sorted" he said

"I'm not sure, I mean I hardly know you do i? I replied"

"You don't have to, I'm just trying to help, and you seem nice enough" he said

"Ah go on then, thanks" I replied

So that's how I met Joe, he seemed a really nice fella, his flat was only around the corner and it was really nice inside, it was clean and tidy, two bedrooms and very minimal. He must have a good job; he seems to be doing well for himself. I could get a job and maybe live here if we got on. He let me have the spare room which I was shocked about, I thought maybe I would just crash on the sofa. Maybe this was the fresh start that I needed; I started to feel better already. Here I am in a stranger's spare room lying on the bed, and there he is again – Brendan Brady, it didn't matter though because this was the new beginning I wanted; and who knows, I might not think of him as much tomorrow. Without him around I could let go of him a little more each day.

**Brendan's point of view**

_Two weeks later_

I've been drinking a lot, more than a lot; I seem to be drinking all the time. It's been two weeks since Stephen left and I haven't heard a thing, I have tried ringing him but his phone goes straight to voicemail, I never leave a message, maybe I should, but I just can't. What is he trying to prove? Is he trying to punish me for all the things I've done to him? He knows I'm no good without him, he knows me better than anyone. I've been round Amy's a few times to see if she had heard from him; but she hasn't either, which I found strange. I mean he hasn't even bothered with his kids, maybe he is never coming back, Amy said she would let me know if she hears anything, I don't really know why; I mean she hates me – but I think she is just so worried about him, and she knows that if I know where he is that I would do everything I can to bring him home. I thought I'd be okay, I thought I'd get on without him but I can't, he's there every day in my head. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night, I can't move on, I need him in my life, I need to tell him but I don't even know how to find him, I don't even know where to begin to look, where is he? Where has he gone? I always hurt the people I love, look at how I treated him, this is payback. Just because I'm ready to be with him now, I expect him just to be with me; but it's not as simple as that, look at all the times he wanted me and all I did was push him away. I even ruined all his other relationships knowing that I still wouldn't be with him, what kind of monster was i? I should have been honest with him, maybe then he would understand. My da bought me up to believe it was wrong to love another man, dirty, disgusting and un-natural I fought with myself every day I punish those I entered relationships with : Vinnie, Macca, All the strangers but with Stephen it was different; I fell in love but I seem to punish him more for it, it was never about him though, it was me. Now I have faced my demons and I know that loving Stephen isn't sick, it doesn't make me twisted and evil, I know that now. But it's too late I always find out too late, because now he has gone, gone without a trace. I don't know what to do for the first time in my life, I feel uncertain; this beautiful boy has the power over me and he doesn't even know it, he is in control of my life and my happiness. I just hope that he gets in touch soon, if not with me; then with Amy. I decided to call him again, this time I left a message

"Stephen, please call me. I'm worried."

**Ste's point of view**

He called me, left a message. Maybe I should ring him, get him to come and get me, help me out of this mess that I'm in. I look in the mirror and barley recognise myself, I look very thin, my face is pale, I have a bruise on the side of my face, and one under my left eye; my eyes are bloodshot, probably from the drugs. I always was easily led. I was so desperate to move on that I think I would have done anything. I keep thinking about Terry, how he always used to say that I wouldn't amount to anything, how I deserve to be beaten and treated badly. Men have always been this way with me, Terry, Brendan and now here I am having sex with men for money and even getting hit by them too. I don't even know how it all started, just that it did. A couple of nights after living with Joe, I noticed different men that came to see him at the flat, at first I thought they were just friends but then I heard him having sex sometimes; I even found drugs in the kitchen one time, his moods were very up and down. I stayed in my room most of the time, after all, it was his business – and he was good enough to let me stay. I had an interview lined up; so maybe I could leave soon – that's what I was hoping anyway. The next day, Joe was sat watching telly, so I decided to ask him about the men and the drugs. I couldn't help myself, I wanted to know – Brendan always did say I was nosey. Joe told me that he slept with men for money and that he took the drugs to be able to do it, I was so shocked.

"Why do you do it?" I asked

He told me that it was good money and that he got £100 from every client. He told me that he actually enjoyed it sometimes.

"I don't know how you can do that" I told him

"You should try it Ste" was his reply, you'll make loads of money; think about it.

I hadn't talked much about my life; I didn't tell him about Amy or the kids, I only told him that I was trying to get over someone. Joe didn't talk much about his life either, but we all have a past don't we? So after another failed interview I gave his way of making money a little thought, I mean I'd only have to do it a few times a week wouldn't i? Just until I got on my feet, no one has to know do they? Think about the money I could send to the kids. I told Joe that I would do it, and he said he would hook me up with a few clients of his. What was I getting myself mixed up in? Was I really going to do this? Just to stay away from Brendan. So that's how this nightmare began. Even terry would have said I wouldn't have stooped this low; he would be in his element if he saw me now. Then there's Brendan, what would he think? He wouldn't want me now would he? I'm not his innocent Stephen anymore am i? I'd made £600 in the last week, and Joe was right, the drugs made it easier. I put £400 in an envelope and sent it to Amy. I knew it was risky sending money in the post but I had no choice, I enclosed a note which read

"Amy, don't worry – Ste"

**Brendan's point of view**

Two weeks and three days since i last saw Stephen, I was doing okay; at least that's what I told myself. Since I left the voice message id been keeping myself busy at work, trying not to think about him, but it was pointless as I always did of course. Everywhere I went something or someplace reminded me of him. There were no escaping thoughts of Stephen, I wondered if he was okay, I wondered if he ever thought of me, the way I often think of him. Chez knew something was wrong, she knew it was to do with Stephen, but she didn't push it; she knew if I needed to talk about it that I would go to her. I was catching up on paperwork when there was a knock on the office door

"Brendan, it's me, Amy; can I come in?"

I got up and rushed to the door

"Yeah of course Amy, come in, sit down." I replied

"Look Brendan" she handed me an envelope that was full of money, inside was a note which read "Amy, don't worry. Ste"

I looked at the postage mark seeing if I could see where he posted the letter from.

"Amy he's not far, he's in Liverpool, I know where this is" I said.

"I'm going to find him Amy, and I won't come back here until he is with me, I promise you"

"Make sure you bring him home Brendan, the kids and I miss him so much" was all she said before she left, slamming the door.

I kept thinking about the money, how could he have earnt so much in a couple of weeks? I hope he wasn't into drugs or anything dodgy; Stephen was so naïve sometimes and so easily led. I went home to fill Chez in and to let her know that I needed her to cover at the club for me, so I could go and look for him. She was understanding and agreed to watch he club, I packed a few clothes and headed out the door, got in my car and drove to Liverpool. I didn't know if I would find him, but I would do all I could to try to. I knew the place where he was, it's one of the busiest places for night life, I've had a few business meetings here, I could try all the clubs and bars maybe he's got himself a job in one of them; he always was a good barman. It didn't take me long to reach my destination, I checked in at the premier inn hotel and decided to head for the bars and clubs. Someone must have seen him or maybe he might even be here in one of them. I was just glad to be one step closer to finding him. I tried a few of the clubs, but I was unsuccessful, they get so many people ask for a job that they probably wouldn't remember him anyway, I decided to give up for tonight as I started to feel it was impossible and I was getting angry. I decided to go for a drink so the next pub I came across I went in, ordered a double whiskey and sat down. I got talking to a guy. quite cute looking – not really my type but he was a nice distraction; dark hair and dark eyes, I'd say late twenties, we had a few drinks and chatted about things nothing major, just general chat he seemed a nice bloke, he invited me back to his, saying that his flat was only around the corner, nothing in it; just a few drinks. I didn't see the harm.

"Yeah okay mate, sounds good, I said to him"

"Great, oh I'm Joe by the way"

_**please review xxx**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Ste's point of view**

God I hate myself, hate myself for what I am doing, what I am, what I've become. I don't want to do this anymore, I want to go home. I have another client tonight; I know he will be the last one, as I cannot do this again, it makes me feel sick. Some of the guys are nice – but not all of them. I had this one guy last week who beat me up for no reason, it was horrible, he asked me to get undressed and lay on the bed. I thought we were going to have sex, but we didn't he just beat me up instead. What was even stranger was that after he finished hitting me, he chucked £100 on the floor. I cried myself to sleep that night. I've slept with 5 men so far and have been beaten up by one making £600 in total. I hope Amy had got the money, I should have called her; she has tried to call me a lot but I just can't face it at the moment. So what was left for me? What were my choices? I just knew that I couldn't do this anymore. I looked a mess, I was taking drugs and abusing my body – I was better off in Chester being in an abusive relationship with Brendan, I should have known that things wouldn't work out for me I'm such a dreamer, I wanted a new beginning so much that I ended up making things worse than they ever were before. I wanted to forget Brendan, move on. I didn't want him to use me anymore, I was fed up of being picked and up and put down by him whenever he felt like it, and he didn't want me, not properly. He just wanted sex again. But none of that matters anymore because tomorrow morning I'm going home! I can't take another night here without my family (Amy and the kids). Since I've been away I've realised how much I love them and how much I need them in my life. I was stupid to think I could make it on my own, fresh starts don't happen in my world and I've just got to accept that. Once I get back to Chester I can forget about what I've done, what I've become since I've been here. It'll be like it never happened, I mean who will know? I will probably tell Amy but that's it, no one else will ever know. I'm already feeling the effects of the drugs I took earlier, so when I hear the doorbell ring knowing it's my client, I didn't really care. It was just business after all but most importantly this was going to be my last time. I took the middle aged man by the hand lead him to the bedroom and shut the door.

**Brendan's point of view**

My first impression of Joe's flat was, impeccable. It was very clean and tidy, and he seemed to have good taste. You can usually tell a lot about someone from how they live. I didn't see the harm in coming back here for a drink, I mean it's not like I was going to do anything with Joe, yeah sure he seemed nice enough but I had other things on my mind, although it was quite tempting. I could see that he wanted me, and who knows? It might just take my mind of Stephen for a while; I have my needs after all. Joe asked me what I wanted to drink, luckily he had some whiskey in, I don't really drink much of anything else. We were sat down on the sofa when I first heard the distant sounds of two people having sex.

"Someone's having fun!" I said with a half-smile appearing on my face.

Joe told me he had a flat mate who had a lot of male visitors and that his company would probably be leaving soon. The noises got louder and it didn't sound like both of them were enjoying it. I asked Joe what the hell was going on, and then I heard a familiar voice shouting

"No, stop! Get off me!"

I felt sick to my stomach; I rushed over to the bedroom and kicked open the door, I can only say I was horrified to what I saw next. My Stephen with some ugly looking man on top of him, I swear to god, I could have killed him. I dragged the guy off him and punched him several times, he begged me to stop so I shouted at him to get out! He grabbed his clothes and ran out of the flat. Joe had told me to leave it, that this was his job, their job's. I couldn't believe what I was hearing; my anger took over me:

"Did you do this to him?" I shouted

"What's it to you anyway? It's great money!" Joe replied

I was shaking, totally out of control. Stephen was crying and calling my name but the only person I could see right now was Joe. I started punching him; I didn't think I would be able to stop until I felt Stephens hand on my shoulder, begging me

"No Brendan, leave it! Please!"

I turned to look at Stephen, he was half the boy he was, he looked so thin, his eyes were bloodshot and he had bruises on his face. My eyes filled with tears at the sight of him and my stomach was in knots. It was hardly surprising I was sick. What the hell was happening? Why has he done this? I don't know what to think about it all or what I am going to do.

"Get dressed Stephen, I'm taking you home."

**Ste's point of view**

Even though this guy was my last client, I still couldn't bear him on me. The drugs were wearing off already and I felt queasy. I heard Joe come in, sounded like he wasn't alone. This guy was rough and I couldn't stand it, I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn't listen, in the end I had to shout

"No, stop! Get off me!"

The next thing I knew the bedroom door opened and at first when I saw him I thought I was hallucinating, but later came to realise that I wasn't. Oh my god Brendan was here, I couldn't believe it; he'd seen me this way, bruised, beaten, drugged up and with another man. I wanted to die; the love of my life was seeing me this way. Id left to become someone better, to show him that I could make it on my own but now here he is seeing with his own eyes the disgusting mess I had become now. Well at least I could move on, I mean after seeing me this way – he'd never want me again. It all happened so fast, Brendan was hitting my client, he threw him out of the flat, which to be honest; I was glad about. Then he was shouting at Joe, I mean maybe it was his fault but I needed the money and I didn't want to go home, what would have been the point in leaving otherwise? Brendan looked like a wild animal, he started hitting Joe, and I didn't think he was going to stop, I was crying and shouting his name but he didn't listen, so I went over to Brendan, putting my hand on him, begging him to leave it – he listened, thank god. He turned to look at me, I'd never seen him look at me like he did, his eyes were filled with tears and he looked completely broken, like he'd never be right again, although I hated him seeing me like this I was glad he was here saving me, I don't know how he came to be in the flat, I didn't even want to think about that, maybe he just came to find me; whatever the reason it didn't matter right now, I was being rescued by the person I tried escaping nearly three weeks ago, how ironic is that? It was horrible seeing Brendan be sick, but I suppose that was down to shock, I mean I was in a bad way, I knew that. Brendan told me to get dressed; he said that he was taking me home. I threw some clothes on and packed my bag. Joe was out cold on the floor, I felt a little guilty but I'm sure he would be okay. I felt happy I was going home, Brendan took me to his hotel; he was staying at the premier inn just around the corner. He held onto me by my waist all the way and although we didn't really speak, it was okay because I felt safe; I was with him. We entered his hotel room and I asked him if I could take a shower. Of course he said yes, after all – I looked awful! After my shower I went and sat down next to him on the bed. He started asking me all sorts of questions that I wasn't ready to answer

"Look Brendan I'm tired, can't we talk about this tomorrow?"

"Okay Stephen, but we do need to talk." He replied.

"I know, but for now…can you just hold me?"

He pulled me close to him, he held onto me so tight that I could hardly breathe, but I didn't care; he was protecting me as always. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

**Brendan's point of view**

I could hardly speak to him on the way back to the hotel; I couldn't even look at him. I held on tight to his waist, not letting him go for a second, he felt so thin. Once we were in the hotel Stephen took a shower, I was glad about this; I wanted him to rid himself of the man he had just slept with. How could he do this? Sleeping with men for money? I hated thinking of him with other men; my Stephen isn't as innocent as I once thought. I was laid on the bed when Stephen came out of the shower; he came and sat next to me. I asked him why? How could he bring himself to do this? Did he hate me that much? He told me he was tired and asked me if we could talk about it in the morning; I could see the tiredness in his eyes. They looked dull and empty, I'd seen him look like this once before; the last time I hit him. Was I part of the reason he was this way now? He asked me to hold him, how could I not? He looked so fragile, he needed me. And this time, I'd make sure I'd be here for him. I pulled him towards me holding him so tight, it wasn't long before he drifted off to sleep. But I couldn't sleep; I just lay here holding Stephen, looking at his face which had two bruises on. It made me angry thinking of the person who did this to him, but I'd done the same not so long ago, hadn't I? I didn't know much about his past with Terry, but I know he'd beaten him on a regular basis, and that Stephen did the same to Amy. I remember him telling me once, he said I was doing the same to him, I see that now' but back then I told him it wasn't the same. As for me, all the things that I had done to him, all the times id hit him, is it any wonder he is where he is today? Maybe he'd be better off without me but I don't know where I'd be without him. We could get over this, couldn't we? I have to believe that we can, I know now more than ever that I want him in my life and whether he knows it or not, he needs me. Ill prove to him that I can change.

_**really appreciate any reviews not sure if there is many following but will update in a few days xxx**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

**Ste's point of view**

I awoke to find that I was alone, Brendan wasn't there. I wondered if he'd left me, maybe the sight of me disgusted him too much but then the bathroom door opened; he was cleaned, showered and looking more gorgeous than ever! I couldn't help wanting him.

"Morning Stephen, sleep okay?"

"Yeah good ta" I replied.

"Look Stephen, we really need to talk about this"

"Okay, Brendan." I said "But if I do this then I just want you to listen, please don't judge me"

I decided to talk to him, I needed him to understand. I guess I would start with Terry and my mum. I have never felt good enough, all my life I've been told I was useless no good, a wronging. When you hear these things so much, you start to believe them. Terry was a bully, he hit both me and Pauline (my mum) she was never a good parent; she never gave a toss about me or where I was. Her idea of parenting was to tie a key around my neck and let me roam the streets. I remember her coming to the flat one time, we had a row. She was calling me a crap son and a rubbish dad, she told me that the reason Terry was sick in the head was because of me, she then turned around and said she wished that I'd never been born. A piece of me died that day. She always had broken ribs and bruises, I told her to get out But she never listened. She always stayed with him and put him first all the time. No wonder she became an alcoholic. If I hadn't of got out I don't know where I'd be, probably dead. Terry was something else, he hated me, and I was like a punching bag for him. I grew up afraid all the time, I didn't even deserve it, that's what I never understood. He was always abusive to me; it became a way of life. When I left home I thought it would be the making of me. I remember one time after I had left home I was living with Amy and Leah in a rundown B&B. Mike (Amy's dad) and Sarah (Amy's sister) and Terry came looking for us, Terry barged through the door, I remember his words

"Trouble seems to follow you around son"

then he beat me, he hit me so hard, threw me against the door, punched me in the ribs until I feel to the floor; he then repeatedly kicked me until Mike restrained him,all this was done infront of an eight month old baby Leah. Terry once said I was the same as him

"Chip off the old block eh son?"

I was about to prove him right.

"Sorry Bren, I need five minutes"

**Brendan's point of view**

Stephen slept like a baby last night; it was what he needed after everything he'd just been through. I didn't sleep much i'd been thinking about everything, manly Stephen with other men, god – I hoped he used protection! He should disgust me right now, but he doesn't, I just feel even more protective of him. I want to look after him; I always have really. I tried not to wake Stephen and crept into the bathroom for a shower. I wanted to talk to him when he woke up and I know I have to get my head together first. After my shower I went back over to the bed to find Stephen awake, he looked worried; maybe he thought I'd left him? Sometimes I wonder if he even knows me at all. After saying good morning I told him that we needed to talk i thought he might have fobbed me off, but he didn't. He just asked me to listen and not to judge him. Of course I wouldn't judge him, how could I? He really has no faith in me at all. Can't say I blame him though. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, all the abuse he had been through with Terry and his mum made me so angry! Stephen had tears in his eyes the whole time he was talking, I could tell how painful this was for him, but I could also see that he was ready to share this part of his past with me. I kept my cool for him, but on the inside I was shaking, I wanted to find them, do what they had done to him, I wanted them to hurt; the way he was hurting now. Stephen, my Stephen, was nothing like Terry, no matter what he said, it broke me to hear all these things, it affected me so much. I know it's in the past and I can't change it, but I wanted to. So I couldn't change his past, but I could change his future couldn't I? I could see the tears streaming down his face when he stood up and said

"Sorry Bren, I need five minutes"

He went into the bathroom and shut the door I couldn't stop my own tears from falling after seeing him so broken.

**Ste's point of view**

This was so much harder than I thought, I wanted to tell him, I did but I couldn't help getting emotional reliving these parts of my life that I tried so hard to forget, I returned from the bathroom to see Brendan was looking at me with such a sadness in his eyes, it looked like he'd been crying himself

"Sorry about that Brendan, it's just really hard for me" I said.

He pulled me towards him and kissed me gently, and although it wasn't full of passion like our usual kisses, it meant so much. Just knowing he was here and that he was listening, means the world to me. I continued to talk to him, I started to tell him about Amy and the abuse I put her through. I became the same as terry; he was right all along when he told me that I was the same as him. Amy and I were young when we first got together although we had our ups and downs, we did love eachother. I'm ashamed of the things that I put her through; it was never her fault, she never deserved any of it. I punched her, I slapped her, I pushed her, I shouted at her and all she ever did was be there for me. She would try and help calm me down when I got angry but that seemed to make me worse. One time I even threw boiling hot soup over her, her arm was really badly burnt. I was sorry afterwards, I always was. I would cry, tell her I loved her and she would always forgive me. She used to have really long hair that was all the way down her back and in one of my rages I cut it all off; she cried so much that day. She was so scared of me that I thought she would always stay with me, I thought that I'd have power over her always, but she was better off without me – and once she realised that, and that she was the one with the power – she left me. I did sort myself out through anger management classes, they helped me a lot. I had the kids to think about as well, and I wanted to be a better person. In time we became friends again now we are so close she is my best friend. Although she'll never forget what I did, or the nightmare I put her through, she forgave me. So I'm not so different to terry after all, am I? Brendan's face was unreadable, I couldn't tell what he was thinking – but to me he looked angry, I know how much he hates men that hit women and I just told him everything, all the bad things I'd done. Maybe he would feel different about me now?

**Brendan's point of view**

I felt angry hearing about all the things he'd done to Amy, she was a woman, how could he do that? – I would never hit a woman! – NEVER. – He asked me not to judge him and I feel like I am, I'm hardly snow white am I? I've done some bad things in my time. I've hurt people I've bullied people I killed Danny, so how can I judge him? He looked so alone, he needs me to understand, and I am trying. I want to be able to help him through this and if I'm going to help him I need to hear everything, even if I'm not going to like it. The old Brendan would have run a mile, found another boy to mess with – but he has changed me, softened me, made me feel, made me love, and made me weak. I don't think he understands how much I love him. It is different now as instead of just saying it, I've got to show him that I can be in a relationship. I know that everybody knows I'm gay but to actually be a proper couple is different, Stephen and I? Really? It would be hard for me, I know that, but I've seen a glimpse of life without him, and that's worse than anything. We are similar Stephen and I, more similar than I ever thought; we do whatever it takes for our family and the ones we love. Maybe that's why Stephen did what he did, so that he could give more money to Amy. I know he doesn't like himself. I know that he believes he is useless and that he doesn't make a difference in anyone's lives but he does, Amy the kids, me. Maybe I should open up to him more, but that's not me, I deal with my hang ups in other ways. My past was pretty messed up too but I am stronger than Stephen, I can take it, I have bigger shoulders. He hasn't had a good past and everyone he has ever loved has left. Terry and his mum will get what's coming to them; I'll make sure of that. One way or another. And although what Stephen did to Amy was unforgiveable, he has paid for that, been sorry and seeked help to make him a better person. There's always a certain pattern we seem to follow in life, Stephen has been abused, and been the abuser; then he met me and went through it all again.

**Ste's point of view**

I had one more person to talk about, it was you – _Brendan Brady. _I saw his face, he didn't want to hear it but he had to, he needed to. This is what I told him: I should have known what kind of relationship we would have as the first day I met you, you hit me. I remember it like it was yesterday; and that's how I came to work at ChezChez. I didn't really like you much at first; you were always involved in dodgy dealings, drugs, using people, stealing the clubs takings – but eventually I learned that everything you did was for your family. I started to understand you better as I was the same, I'd do anything for my family too. We became mates, or at least that's what I thought, but you had other motives, you wanted me; I became an obsession for you. You started to watch me a lot at work, getting me to do extra shifts, asking me to help you cheat at cards, spending time with me. I thought I was just helping my boss out, but you had other ideas for me. I remember that day I first kissed you, you made out like it was my fault – but you wanted it all along. We had a great evening having a laugh then we went back to yours and you got me drunk. You tripped me up and caught me as I fell, you were just staring at me touching my face, and it was so intense. To break your stare, I kissed you but you threw me out. Why? When that was what you wanted? The next day you followed me down the cellar and locked me in, I really thought you were gonna batter me, but you never. You kissed me. It was something else, I'd never felt more alive in my life, I'd never been kissed like that before. I was smitten with you, I wanted more, but instead of kisses I got broken ribs. Your words still haunt me:

"You disgust me"

And that's how it's been with us ever since, you love me one minute then hate me the next. You make me feel everything one day and nothing the following. You broke up all my relationships, first Rae then Noah. You didn't want me, but you didn't want anyone else to have me either. I remember Amy finding out when she saw us kissing, you told me to get with Rae so other people wouldn't find out about us, I got a beating for that too. You threatened Amy, threatened Rae, I even thought you set fire to the flat with Amy and the kids inside, only to later find out it was Dom. You destroyed me, made me feel worthless, disgusting, just like Terry did. You killed Danny because he threatened me, but then you hurt me anyway. I thought we'd make it after you told me you loved me but I was wrong, you told me you'd admit to who you were, I believed you most that time, but after Eileen found us your only concern was your kids, you didn't want them around

"People like me"

Even after everything we'd been through you still denied you were gay. Remember Disney land? You drove right past me, how could you? Like I was nothing. when you were accused of murdering Rae Bex and India, I didn't believe it not really, but I wanted to move on. You'd only let me down again. I wanted to visit you but so much had happened I didn't know what to think or feel. You came out of prison a different man, you didn't want me near you, you pushed me away, sacked me, hit me again. I was disgusting again, nothing, worthless, a nobody. You once said to me

"Every day till I'm in my grave you'll always be in my head"

I didn't believe you then and I don't believe you now, how can I? You only play with me remember? So that's why I'm where I am today, to get away from you, my past, my failings, the people who make me want to run and keep on running – the people that have destroyed me: Terry, Pauline, Myself and You. But you were the main reason I left, I wanted to move on, forget, and be anywhere as long as it was away from you, but even when we were apart – you were still with me, in my heart and my head. I've never stopped loving you, how messed up is that?

**Brendan's point of view**

I know what I did, I know how I have treated him, but when you hear it all like that from the person you did it to, it makes you feel remorseful. It was me, the real reason he left was me, Terry, Pauline; his past didn't help but it was mainly me. I didn't know what to say, I hated knowing that all this was my fault, hadn't I done enough to him? I do love him, that much I know, but is me being with him what he really needs? Love isn't everything; I have taken away his confidence, his trust. He is in a bad place and hearing everything wouldn't I just make things worse? My life without him is empty. I'd just go back to my old self, cocky arrogant, playing with people – using them for my own selfish needs. His life would be better in the long run wouldn't it? He'd finally be free of me, able to move on, he could forget about all the things I'd done to him in time. Maybe I should take him home now and leave myself. I could go back to Ireland, spend more time with my kids. He's just told me how bad I have made him feel, how is he ever going to be able to move forward and forgive me. I know it can happen! Look at him and Amy! But he's been through so much, and I don't know if he'll ever get over it. I could tell him about my past but what good would it do? It would just be passing the blame, or justifying my actions towards him. I know I have my issues, but I am starting to work through them. I admitted that I loved him and I admitted to being gay, that's a start, isn't it? He's just shared his past with me, expressed his feelings – and I don't know what to do, should I try to make this work? Or should I deny myself him. He is so beautiful, even this way, he is still beautiful. I started to feel edgy and agitated – it felt like my head was going to explode, he was looking at me, I could see he wanted me to say something, do something and when he asked me

"Brendan what's going to happen, do you understand it all now? Where do we go from here?"

I did the only think I knew how to do, I got up, went to walk out – turning around to him to say

"I'm sorry Stephen."

_**thanks for reading and please review xxxxx :)**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

**Ste's point of view**

He walked away, I told him everything and he just walked away? Oh my god, how many times am I going to do this to myself – why do I let him in every time? I knew he wouldn't want me, he never really has and he never really will. I need to sort myself out, start believing in myself. I know it will be hard after what has just happened but maybe with Amy's support I can turn my life around. I had to get out of this hotel, I need to go home, I tried to make myself a bit more decent, I didn't want to look like too much of a mess for when Amy and the kids saw me. I had a wash, changed my clothes and done my hair. I picked up my bag and headed out the door thinking the next time that I would see Brendan would be back in Chester, that's if he came home at all.

**Brendan's point of view **

What had I just done? I left him alone; again, I walked away when he needed me. Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just stay and be there for him? That's all I wanted, I hadn't got far anyway, and I was only in the hotel bar having a few whiskeys. I'd been gone about an hour and thought that maybe I should go back up and talk to him, knowing Stephen, he'd be worrying. I went back to my hotel room to find that Stephen had gone, id pushed him too far, I walked away from him when he bared his soul to me, what did I expect him to do? But the thing was; I hadn't left him. Not like that anyway. I just needed to think, I needed to get it sorted in my head. I quickly grabbed my keys and ran out of the hotel, hoping that he hadn't gone far, I needed to tell him that I wanted to be with him; properly this time.

**Ste's point of view**

I checked the bus times, one was due in about ten minutes so I didn't have long to wait, it had started to rain, it was quite heavy and I was getting drenched already. It wasn't long before I felt a familiar presence behind me; I turned around to see Brendan standing there. He asked me what I was doing and told me to come back to the hotel, but I couldn't keep going back, going round in circles, constantly moving but never getting anywhere, I was tired, tired of playing games. So I told him, no. I said was going home, back to Amy's. He looked unsure of himself, scared, lost, a look you'd expect from me but not from him. He grabbed me, pulled me close to him and kissed me; he kissed me like his life depended on it. We were outside and he didn't seem to care. He pulled away, his head resting on mine, rain dripping off our faces; he looked me in the eyes and said:

"Come back to the hotel Stephen, please."

**Brendan's point of view**

Luckily he hadn't got far, it had started to rain. I saw him standing at the bus stop, I walked over to him – he hadn't seen me yet, but I knew he'd soon feel me as I stood behind him. He turned around, he looked gorgeous stood there; wet, rain, dripping off his face. I had to refrain from touching him right there and then. I asked him to come back to the hotel but he said no, said he was going home, I felt unsure, nervous, scared. I didn't want this, I wanted him. What should I do now? I grabbed him, in the centre of Liverpool infront of people, pulled him close and kissed him. I was panting, wanting him and I didn't even care who saw, I pulled away resting my head on his, pleading with him, looking in those beautiful blue eyes

"Come back to the hotel Stephen, please."

**Making up**

They ran to the hotel to try and escape the heavy downpour of rain, they were both soaked when they reached the hotel room, Brendan pushed Stephen onto the bed kissing him hard, their bodies pressed together. He couldn't wait anymore, he needed him. Brendan pulled off Stephens's wet top and started to kiss his erect nipples. Both of them looking intently into each other's eyes, Stephen felt so happy being here again, knowing that this time it would be different, no going back – they both knew that. Brendan kissed his way down Stephens chest to the buttons on his jeans, it sent shivers down his spine, he undone them and pulled them off. He noticed that Stephen wasn't wearing any boxers and that his cock was already hard and moist from pre-cum. Brendan smiled a little to himself, he started to lick and suck his cock, playfully at first. Stephens's hands running though Brendan's hair Stephen moaned loudly as Brendan took all of him in his mouth, he knew that Stephen was close to cumming already, so he slowed down and moved up to kiss Stephen. Brendan still fully clothed sat up, leaving Stephen panting, to undress himself. Stephen took Brendan's cock in his mouth this time, Brendan loved it when he did this to him, he knew exactly what he liked and it wasn't long before Brendan was moaning his name. He smelt, kissed and tasted every part of Stephen. He was like a drug to him, addictive and no matter how much you had of him, you still wanted more and without him, it felt like you would die. His smell, his touch, the way their bodies fitted perfect to each other's, Stephen couldn't wait anymore;

"Brendan, I want you so bad, fuck me now, please."

Brendan lifted Stephens's legs up and rested them on his shoulders; he wet his fingers to moisten Stephens' entry. Brendan's cock was throbbing and he needed him, he needed him more than anything he's needed in his life. Stephen moaned as Brendan thrusted deep inside of him, nearly losing control. Stephen started playing with his own cock which turned Brendan on so much. Their eyes were fixated on eachother, they couldn't look away even if they wanted to, they were like magnets, drawn to eachother, being pulled together even when they don't want to be. Stephen told Brendan he loved him, it made him so happy to hear after all this time, Stephen was close to cumming, he tried but he couldn't hold it back anymore, he whispered

"Cum with me Brendan"

They climaxed together; it was passionate, intimate, beautiful. Both wanting to stay this way forever; entwined with eachother. Afterwards they lay together, holding eachother, perfectly happy, perfectly content and more than satisfied.

**Ste's thoughts**

I lay here in his arms, I'm so content, I'm so in love with him again, so happy to be with him this way. Could this really be happening? Is this really gonna happen for us? I couldn't believe how much he'd changed, kissing me outside infront of people, are we really together now? I thought I'd be better off without him, but I'm not. I want this, I hope he wants this. It seems different this time, he seems different. He's still Brendan, the Brendan I fell in love with, but I've seen a softer side to him, and I like it. I know he wants me and I can see when I look into his eyes, how much he needs me. I do believe everyone has soul mate, and I knew from the first moment I kissed him; I'd met mine, no matter how hard I tried to fight it. He makes me feel so many things, I love him and I know he feels the same, he might not tell me – but I know he does, I can feel it.

**Brendan's thoughts **

I've got him back, he's here in my arms – wanting me, looking at me with adoration, this is the way it should be. Everything feels right when I'm with him, I know I've always pushed him away before but I won't this time. I can't live without him in my life, I'm tired of thinking I don't deserve to be happy because I do, he makes me want to be a better man, he completes me in every single way. I'm sure at times it will be hard and we will have to overcome certain things. Love never did run smooth after all. I don't always tell him how I feel, but I know he knows how much he means to me, I want this, I want him.

**Shower fun**

After a while of lying together, feeling happy content and fulfilled, they decided to head for the shower, still not being able to keep their hands off eachother, always wanting more. Brendan pushed Stephen against the wall of the shower, kissing him, touching him, wanting him again so bad. It was almost like their mouths were made just for eachother. Stephen could feel how hard Brendan was and Brendan could feel the same from Stephen, they had a need and want for eachother that would never fade. Brendan always liked to be in control, it was a rare occasion when Stephen would take charge

"Brendan let me show you what you do to me" suggested Stephen.

How could Brendan refuse? Brendan bent over holding onto the shower rail Stephen licked his lips and gently entered him, Brendan let out an appreciative moan and although he hadn't had the feeling of sex this way a lot and only ever from Stephen, he began to let himself go. Stephen thrusted into Brendan slow, but hard, the water from the shower running all over them

"Mmmmm Stephen" Brendan softly moaned

The rhythm between them got faster, Stephen was moaning loudly; always so vocal. Brendan being more controlled outwardly, but on the inside he was doing the same. Brendan grabbed hold of Stephen's bum cheeks to push him deeper inside; Stephen was close to cumming so Brendan started pleasuring himself so that they could climax together again. They always liked it that way. Afterwards they returned to the bedroom, they laid down on the bed together, Brendan pulled Stephen close to him. He loved the feeling of having him next to him; he knew it was where he belonged. Stephen was always chatty, and usually the first one to speak after they were together but this time Brendan broke the comfortable silence

"I love you Stephen"

It made Stephen's heart melt hearing those words again

"I love you too Bren, always" replied Stephen

They had both never felt happier.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

**Ste's point of view**

We've been in the hotel nearly a week and things between Brendan and I are great! He suggested that we stay here a while so that my bruises could fade that way I wouldn't have to tell anybody anything. Amy would probably think that Brendan gave me them anyway. Staying here was nice and I wasn't going to argue it gave us more time to spend together after all, we barely left the room. We had lots of making up to do didn't we? Things between us were always good when it was just me and him, no interruptions from the outside world. I did wonder how things would be when we got home, would it all change? I had to prepare myself for it, just in case it did, I mean we've been here before haven't we? But for now I didn't want to think about that because I'm so happy and I want it to stay that way. Brendan was very hard to read at times but I think he's different this time; he seems to accept us and that's good enough for me. Four weeks ago I was ready to move on with my life, make a fresh start, forget Brendan Brady and now here I am, moving on, making fresh starts but with him beside me. He has seen me at my lowest point, heard all the terrible things I'd done to Amy yet he still wants me, then again we're the same that way; aren't we? I've learned a lot in the last few weeks, I've learnt that you can't run from things, they follow you wherever you go. I was stupid to leave Chester, but I was so desperate to move on that I couldn't see what was important anymore: the kids, Amy, even Brendan. I got mixed up in something that I never thought I would but when you're that low, nothing seems to matter anymore, I didn't matter anymore. If Brendan hadn't come to find me, I wonder what state i'd be in now, it's lucky for me that he did; he always did like to protect me. We're leaving for home in the morning, I'm dead excited about seeing my kids, I've missed them so much, Amy will probably want to know everything and I will tell her, one day. Just not yet, for now I'd rather ignore it store it away with all the other parts of my life I try to forget. I've just been watching Brendan he's sat on the sofa, feet up reading the paper. I'm laid on the bed watching some cooking programme, he doesn't know I've been watching him, he's so gorgeous – I find it hard not to look at him, it's nice this, just doing normal things; it's what I've always wanted. There is nowhere else I'd rather be.

**Brendan's point of view **

Things were good between us; I couldn't believe how relaxed I felt with him. It made me wonder why I hadn't done this sooner, you know be with him, properly. We'd been in the hotel nearly a week now, I didn't think it would be a very good idea taking Stephen home with bruises. Everyone knows my past record and no doubt they'd all think it was me, I would never hit him again, I might get angry and lose my temper, we will probably row loads knowing us, but I will never hit him. It was never about him when I did, it was about me and what I couldn't deal with but I'm slowly learning how to and I am trying, it's been great this week we have barely left the hotel room, or should I say bedroom. I love it this way, I could stay like it forever; nobody interfering no interruptions, just Stephen and I. I like having him all to myself, Stephen is watching some rubbish cooking programme, he keeps looking at me, he thinks I don't notice but I do of course, I notice because I can't stop looking at him either. God he is so beautiful, I know I always say this, but he is. Those blue eyes those gorgeous cheekbones, that hair that I love to play with and run my fingers though, that neck I love to kiss, his soft skin which I love to touch, his smell, his taste, his body….._mmmmm, perfection, to me at least. _i could watch him all day and never get bored, we are going home in the morning, and although Stephen seemed excited I'm not so sure, I don't want other people sticking their noses in my business, our business, and they always do. I think Stephen's worried about us he keeps asking me if were still gonna be together when we get home, maybe he thinks that as soon as we get back to Chester, it'll all go back to how it was. I should tell him all the things he makes me feel, maybe then he would understand that I'm here to stay, but I can't talk like that it's hard for me. He knows I love him and for now that's enough. He is always going to doubt me because of all the times I've let him down, actions speak louder than words this time around. The thought of losing him is so painful it makes my whole body ache, he is part of me, he's got in my veins and under my skin, I couldn't stop this even if I wanted to. I wonder how I used to cope in my life before him, other men never gave me what he does, tough man Brendan Brady, isn't so tough when it comes to Stephen hay. He is my life now.

**Ste's point of view**

We hardly spoke on the drive back to Chester, it didn't feels strange though. Brendan had his hand resting on my leg for most of the time, apart from when he had to signal or change gear, it felt nice. When we arrived back home, Brendan dropped me off at my flat, I was dying to see my kids. I looked over to Brendan, he looked kind of sad; I don't really know why, maybe it was because I was so excited to be at home. I hadn't seen my kids for four weeks and id missed them so much. I leaned over to kiss Brendan goodbye, it was slow and soft – one of his hands on the back of my neck, the other hand on my face. It made me not want to leave him; maybe that was his intentions. I thanked him for everything and told him that I would call him later. I got out of the car and watched him drive away, I couldn't help feel a little guilty, he really didn't look pleased about leaving me, but we had to be apart sometimes. We still had our own lives to lead although id be quite happy being with him all the time. I walked in the flat, the kids came running over to me, the sight of them bought tears to my eyes, Amy came over and threw her arms around me, she was crying

"Ste, where have you been?"

I didn't want to talk about any of it yet so I just told her that I wanted a fresh start and to move on from Brendan, she knew how much he had hurt me, so she kind of understood. She asked me about the money, I told her I had a job at a bar and that I won some money on a pub quiz, she seemed to believe what I was saying. I felt bad lying to her, she was my best friend – but I just couldn't talk about it right now. One day she will know the truth, just not yet. It didn't take long for me to get back into my old routine with Amy and the kids, in fact it kind of felt like I'd never even left. Amy asked me about Brendan, so I told her everything, how we were together again and that this time, we were going to be a proper couple, she didn't look happy, but she knew that when it comes to him it's pointless trying to get me to stay away from him

"Just be careful Ste, you know what he's like"

She said it was a risk, but it was a risk I was willing to take. He saved me, he came looking for me and didn't give up on me like everyone else, it seems odd not being with him right now, it had only been two hours since i'd seen him last and I was missing him already, I thought about ringing him but decided it was a bit soon, I mean he'd not long dropped me off had he? Then a message came through on my phone it read:

"Missing ye chez is out, wanna come over? BB x"

Of course I wanted to come over but I thought I'd better wait until the kids were in bed, so I replied:

"Ok, after kids in bed Ste x"

I could hardly wait to see him.

**Brendan's point of view**

We didn't speak much on the drive back to Chester, but it was okay I was thinking about my future, our future. I couldn't help but feel scared; it was a big step for me to take all I knew was that I wanted to take it. Even in the car I had to touch him, I placed my hand on his leg for most of the ride home; I couldn't stand him being so close without touching him in some kind of way. All those times before when I pushed him away and now I can't get enough of him. I dropped him off at Amy's he was so excited to see Leah and Lucas, I know it's stupid but I couldn't help but feel a little jealous, we'd just spent a whole week together and I didn't want it to end, I wanted him to stay with me. I'm so possessive over him at times. We said goodbye and he thanked me for helping him, he leaned over and kissed me, I kissed him back suggestively, hoping that he'd then change his mind and come home with me but of course he was too excited about seeing his kids and I couldn't take that away from him so after Stephen got out of the car, I drove home. Chez was home when I got in which I was glad about as I wanted to talk to her about Stephen and I. Chez knows how I feel about him, I think most people do, apart from Eileen and my kids I think Deccy has an idea but it doesn't really matter, soon everybody would know, I just hope I'm ready for this. I explained my feelings about Stephen to chez, she didn't really say much, but she was smiling a lot. I think she was just happy that I was admitting it all and saying it all out loud. Chez thinks a lot of Stephen anyway. I thought about going to the club to pass some time. It had been a few hours since I saw him and I already started to miss him. God I had only just dropped him off and I want him here already. Chez had gone to the club and I was debating whether to text him or not, but in the end I did:

"Missing ye, chez is out wanna come over? Bb x"

He replied

"Ok after kids in bed Ste x"

I know texting was hard for him but he was getting better at it. Things are going to work out for us this time; we have to make it work. God I miss him, what has this boy done to me? I had a shower to try and clear my head, but all I could think about was him, I haven't really told him how I feel about him, so maybe it's time to talk; it's got to happen sometime. He'll be round soon, my gorgeous Stephen.

Unsaid things

it was around 8pm when Stephen eventually got round to Brendan's, he'd been enjoying bedtime stories with the kids just before. Brendan opened the door to Stephen, he could tell he made an effort, he had a pair of dark jeans on and a black shirt, his hair all done and he smelled of aftershave, the one that Brendan liked. Brendan also having made an effort was wearing black trousers and a purple shirt, hair done to perfection, and smelling of aftershave too. They were both nervous almost as if it were a first date, as usual Brendan pulled Stephen in for a kiss; he then got them both a bottle of beer. They sat down next to eachother on the sofa, the same sofa where Brendan had got Ste drunk that time when they first kissed, the same sofa Eileen had caught them on. They had so many memories of eachother, good and bad. Brendan wanted to talk to Stephen, explain how he felt, he knew that Stephen doubted him and he didn't want that anymore.

"Look Stephen, we need to talk"

Stephen felt a wave of worry wash over him

"Okay Brendan, what about?" he replied

"Us said Brendan, we can't go on this way"

Stephen stood up and shouted

"I knew it! I knew you'd mess with me again! I don't know why I ever believed you"

Stephen was crying Brendan couldn't believe what was happening and before he knew it Stephen was at the door just about to leave; Brendan got up and quickly moved infront of him, wiping away Stephen's tears Brendan said:

"I didn't mean it that way, I want you to move in with me, what do you say, you wanna?"

Stephen threw his arms around him

"Of course I want to Bren"

Once again passion had taken over and before they knew it they were both painting breathlessly on the floor. Sex with them was always so good, they just couldn't get enough of eachother.

"I'm so happy Bren, I've always wanted this, I can't believe this is happening, I thought you would let me down, thought you were just using me again, I love you Brendan."

Brendan replied: "I know things haven't always been good, I treated you bad, but things have changed, I have changed, I want you here with me; always."

Stephen was shocked yet moved by Brendan's honesty, he felt so happy hearing him talk so openly about his feelings and their relationship.

Brendan continued….

"this is hard for me but you need to know how I really feel, it's always been you Stephen, I want you with me all the time, I want to spend my life protecting you, looking after you, we fit perfectly together in every way Stephen:"

"As long as I can think

As long as there is time

As long as there is you

I will love you

I love you and you alone

But most of all

I love us together"

**_The end _**

**_thank you to everyone who took the time to read and review it means a lot hope you enjoyed it :)xxxxxxxxx_**


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